Last night I discovered something very important about myself. One of my worst traits is that I feel responsible for things that are nothing to do with me.

When I was a child, I thought it was just me. It scared me a little, but I thought I was special, so it was OK.

When I was a teenager, I thought it was everyone. I was a bit disappointed, but comforted, so it was OK.

Now I think it's some people. Too many to make me special, but too few to make it normal.

I think I might have trichotillomania as well. I didn't think so before, but now tweezing my arm and legs hairs is starting to become an obsession, and when I'm angry I pull hairs out of my head too. Is there anything right with me?

I'm thinking of starting an informative blog, about how to be "that" girl. You know the one - the guys want her, the girls want to be her. I think I have a few pearls of wisdom to offer, but I'm not sure whether it would merit a whole blog. Maybe a book? I'll mull it over.

My stomach has been very flat for the past few days. Normally I bloat awfully.

I have so much to do. I have to tidy my room before tomorrow. I have way too much holiday work. All I want to do is sit around and play The Sims 2. I'm engaged in a mad, Nazi-like genetic experiment, to see how inheriting traits works in the Sims. I'm also trying out the "Popularity" and "Romance" aspirations, which I never have before as they seemed too difficult.

I think I'll give up on work now, superficially tidy my room and then play The Sims 2 while I pretend to be working. I've done the two bits of work I have to hand in, so no one will know if I've done the excessive am, reading or not.

God, how sad I am. Everyone's going out and having fun at Christmas and I'm stuck inside. Still, work will be a good excuse to hide in my room while my grandmother's here.

I managed to have a good cry last night without having a panic attack. It was difficult, but I made it.

7st.

I feel sick.

Christmas is going to be awful.

There's nowhere to hide.

I'd like to apologise to the world for expecting too much from life. I promise I won't do it again.

I think I might be going mad. I keep expecting to open a door or look round a corner and for there to be someone there. The Woman in Black, maybe. Or a man covered in blood. I think that there are people hiding everywhere. I don't want to open my wardrobe or turn around in case they get me. My head says it's stupid but my heart beats faster anyway.

I'm so afraid.

I want biscuits. We have these amazing chocolate biscuits downstairs. And some awesome lemon ones. I wnt biscuits. I didn't eat masses today, but I did basically only eat junk food. I'm afraid to weigh myself.

Three mini-pains au chocolat.

Three Oreos.

Two chocolate biscuits.

Will be eating dinner: fatty asparagus tart and veggies.

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. Fuck.

And my friend is such a wannarexic it makes me sick. Everyone's going to get lunch and she's all "No, I don't want anything. Well, maybe just a diet coke but no food." And then people bring their food back from the shop and offer her a bit and she just eats all their food instead. She makes such a big deal out of the fact that she's not eating and then she goes and eats everyone else's food. Fat bitch. She's so skinny too. She needs to just grow up and buy her own food. It also pisses me off because people actually pay for their food and she just eats all of it without paying. I lent her bus money six weeks ago (two whole pounds!) and she's obvs never going to pay me back.

One slice of toast and Natex.

81 calories worth of mango, pineapple and coconut.

Macaroni cheese.

I had a very stressful day today and although I nearly made it through lunch without eating, I left school early in my frees after lunch and was hungry so went to the supermarket. Thankfully I just bought a packet of low-calorie fruit. Unfortunately my mother is making macaroni cheese for dinner. I love macaroni cheese, but will ask for a small portion. I also managed to skip popcorn today too.

One slice of toast and peanut butter.

Two crackers with hummus.

Real lemonade.
Small tin of peaches.
Large apple danish pastry.

Spaghetti and lentil and tomato sauce.

Veeeeeery roughly that's about 1200 calories. Shit.

It happened again today. I was 6st 10 after dinner yesterday, so today I ate a lot. On the way home, however, I went into a charity shop and spent tomorrow's lunch money on a top. Like with the magazine thing, if I don't have money I can't eat. It's also a motivator. I currently weigh 6st 12. Not quite as bad as I feared, but I gained two pounds in one day! Also, tomorrow I will be eating microwave popcorn at school with a friend of mine. I've managed to avoid the tradition for a while but have no decent excuse for tomorrow. I'll eat slowly so she ends up having most of it. I'll also skip lunch.

One slice of toast and Natex.

Ravioli, tomato pasta sauce, carrots, broccoli.

I still have the pain on the right side of my abdomen, and have a stomach ache too. I'm not hungry and feel a little sick. WTF did I do to myself?? I was only running for a bus and then it was agony.

One slice of toast and Natex.

Bread roll and hummus.

Two pieces of dark chocolate.

Asparagus tart, a few chips, salad.

I woke up this morning and weighed in at 6st 11. I let it go to my head and ate lunch when I really shouldn't have. I did manage to avoid most of the chips at dinner, though, and I've started having toast instead of cereal for breakfast which is about half the calories. I also ran home from the bus stop - about five minutes running, ten walking. I weighed myself just after dinner. 6st 13. I put on two pounds today. Not good. I feel sick now. Sick, disgusting and ashamed.

I won't eat lunch tomorrow and I'll use the money I save to buy a magazine full of beautiful people.

One slice of toast and marmalade.

One clementine.
Diet Coke.

Half a large portion of chips from Nando's.

Two slices of tea bread and butter.

Will be eating dinner, which will include roast potatoes.

My excuse? I don't really have one. It's difficult to skip meals as I always seem to eat them with other people as a matter of routine, mostly my family. The chips for lunch? Well, I was at a rehearsal and it was going pretty shit. I needed to cheer myself up. Also, I'm kind of experimenting with "one day on, one day off" to confuse my metabolism. Also, otherwise I find myself thinking about food all the time - when I can next eat, what I can eat, what I'm missing out on, how delicious it would be...

I woke up this morning with a flat stomach (I usually bloat a lot) and, although it was a bit flabby (it's my worst area) it looked good. I was going to skip breakfast but then my dad called me down for it so I had to eat. Toast is fewer calories than cereal, though.

My lower right abdomen really hurts. I don't know what I've done to it.

No breakfast.

A few drops of golden syrup while cooking.

Lunch with family:
Cheese and onion quiche.
Lettuce, tomato and cucumber.
Chocolate mousse.

One slice of toast and natex.

5 ft 2.

7 stone.

Hungry.